SpyHard

Let me tell you all a little story: One day I was walking along when I saw this sandwich on the ground and I was like “holy crap what’s a sandwich doing here? This seems too good to be true.” Long story short, it was too good to be true and that’s when I learned two life lessons:

1. If you get sick enough, the human body can start to vomit up its own organs.
2. Always trust your instincts.

They’re two rules I live by and that’s why today was such a big deal. You see, my instincts came into contact with my arch nemesis, which I’m going to refer to as “Meve Startin” so nobody will know I’m really talking about my boss. So yeah today I was working on like a million things and basically saving the whole college as usual when Meve comes in and is all like, “Hey Jason, why can’t I log into the server?”
Now I will be honest with you guys since you’re all like my closest hardcore fans. Right then my Jason senses started tingling but I was also eating a can of chili so my body was tingling for other reasons so I wasn’t 100% sure yet if Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does. I had to investigate it further.
So I say, “Ummm geee Steve maybe the server is down I guess we should look into that. Wait.. or maybe it’s because I CHANGED ALL THE PASSWORDS TO EVERYTHING AND I’M SO SNEAKY WITH MY I.T. NINJA SKILLS YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT”
So then Meve has his mind blown (which I’m not surprised by) but then he says to me, “Well what are the new server passwords?”
It was then I put all the pieces together and realized that Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does! But I’m a good cards player and like a hot hand of Reverses in Uno I had to play this close to my chest.
So I leaned back in my chair with my hands behind my head and casually said, “Why do want access to all this stuff Steve? Are you a spy who’s going to try and sabotage everything like you always freaking do?”
Checkmate. I totally had Steve in a corner and he didn’t know what to do. He always has that look on his face when I totally get him in a corner and put my shoe on his upper hand. So he’s like basically looking at me with the thought of hey Jason totally just put the smack down on me again I better try to come up with something to say or he’s going to like freaking rage on me and make me cry like a big freaking girl which is what I am because I’m a jerk and don’t think Jason’s ideas are good even though they freaking work and make everybody’s lives easier and all the smart people like the ideas. He totally had that face on right then.
So he starts up with some lame stories to make me feel sorry for him, “Because I’m the server admin, Jason.”
He was basically in tears, actually I think he was in tears and I think he pooped his diaper and stuff. That sounds like Steve to me.
Anyway so I said I would email them to him but that was just to buy me time. Once he figures out all I sent him was an .mp3 of Shania Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman” I’m sure he’s going to come back, that’s why I’m getting the crap out of here. If you guys need me I’m going to be in the computer lab putting locks on all the power cords so Steve doesn’t try to use them to spy on me.