SpyHard

Let me tell you all a little story: One day I was walking along when I saw this sandwich on the ground and I was like “holy crap what’s a sandwich doing here? This seems too good to be true.” Long story short, it was too good to be true and that’s when I learned two life lessons:

1. If you get sick enough, the human body can start to vomit up its own organs.
2. Always trust your instincts.

They’re two rules I live by and that’s why today was such a big deal. You see, my instincts came into contact with my arch nemesis, which I’m going to refer to as “Meve Startin” so nobody will know I’m really talking about my boss. So yeah today I was working on like a million things and basically saving the whole college as usual when Meve comes in and is all like, “Hey Jason, why can’t I log into the server?”
Now I will be honest with you guys since you’re all like my closest hardcore fans. Right then my Jason senses started tingling but I was also eating a can of chili so my body was tingling for other reasons so I wasn’t 100% sure yet if Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does. I had to investigate it further.
So I say, “Ummm geee Steve maybe the server is down I guess we should look into that. Wait.. or maybe it’s because I CHANGED ALL THE PASSWORDS TO EVERYTHING AND I’M SO SNEAKY WITH MY I.T. NINJA SKILLS YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT”
So then Meve has his mind blown (which I’m not surprised by) but then he says to me, “Well what are the new server passwords?”
It was then I put all the pieces together and realized that Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does! But I’m a good cards player and like a hot hand of Reverses in Uno I had to play this close to my chest.
So I leaned back in my chair with my hands behind my head and casually said, “Why do want access to all this stuff Steve? Are you a spy who’s going to try and sabotage everything like you always freaking do?”
Checkmate. I totally had Steve in a corner and he didn’t know what to do. He always has that look on his face when I totally get him in a corner and put my shoe on his upper hand. So he’s like basically looking at me with the thought of hey Jason totally just put the smack down on me again I better try to come up with something to say or he’s going to like freaking rage on me and make me cry like a big freaking girl which is what I am because I’m a jerk and don’t think Jason’s ideas are good even though they freaking work and make everybody’s lives easier and all the smart people like the ideas. He totally had that face on right then.
So he starts up with some lame stories to make me feel sorry for him, “Because I’m the server admin, Jason.”
He was basically in tears, actually I think he was in tears and I think he pooped his diaper and stuff. That sounds like Steve to me.
Anyway so I said I would email them to him but that was just to buy me time. Once he figures out all I sent him was an .mp3 of Shania Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman” I’m sure he’s going to come back, that’s why I’m getting the crap out of here. If you guys need me I’m going to be in the computer lab putting locks on all the power cords so Steve doesn’t try to use them to spy on me.

I Wanna be a Cowboy

I think that the stylings of the old west are underrated. That’s why I decided that I am single handedly going to bring them back. Cowboy clothes are for manly men and nobody is more manly than the I.T. Ninja. So I think I’ve got my perfect Macho Man Cowboy outfit picked out:

Cowboy Hat

Every tough hombre needs a freaking cool cowboy hat. This hat says I’m a tough cowboy and I also enjoy fine silk and velvet so I’m a Renaissance Man.

Cowboy Vest

Cowboy shirts are cool, especially the ones with the bolo ties on them. But when you’re as manly as me, a shirt doesn’t even work. It’s like I’m too freaking tough and it would basically burn off from my hot muscles glistening in the sun. A vest shows off my powerhouse physique and keeps me warm in the winter time.

Cowboy Pants Most cowboys you see in movies wear jeans. Those are fine for the 99% of cowboys out there, but I’m in the top 10% that have to wear leather. Let’s face it, most men shouldn’t wear leather pants, you have to be really tough like me. And matching shiny boots; the shinier the better. You want your pants and boots to radiate your manliness as you walk in the door of the nightclub or clarinet jam. I'm not sure if the picture of them is for men or a women, but I need the men's pair.

Well there you go, this is the outfit for a true hardcore MAN and any other man out there who likes the look of hardcore men would love this outfit too. I think I'm going to get this stuff and go out to some bars to see if I can find any other macho men to hang out with. If you ask guys if they want to go do cowboy stuff and they say yes, you pretty much know you found some awesome new friends who are just as tough as you are.

I'm the Freaking Boss

Oh my gosh I should write a freaking book on how to be a boss. I know way more about the art of bossing than my boss Steve ever will. He's been micromanaging me all freaking day and I'm about to go crazy on him. I'm just like scooting around the work room minding my own beezwax when Steve comes in and is all like, "Hey Jason, did you take care of this ticket already?" and I'm freaking like "Hey Steve, did you take care of trying to micromanage me already? Oh wait, YES YOU DID!"

I don't know what the crap his freaking problem is. If he took all the time he spent asking me if I took care of tickets, he could have taken care of them himself; which would be actually helpful because I haven't taken care of any of them yet.

That's his problem, he's always asking about the stuff I don't do but he never pays attention to what I've already done. Hey Steve, here's a newsflash: there's always going to be stuff I don't do; you don't need to freaking look for it and talk to me about freaking doing it. Maybe you should try managing instead of looking for stuff I need to improve on!
For example today, I finished rearranging all the music on my server into folders by songs that are awesome, songs that I want to dance to, and songs that freaking rock, so now I won't spend all this time looking for my favorite songs so guess what, I have more time to be an I.T. Mastermind and FIX EVERYTHING!!! All Steve talks about is that I haven't worked on a ticket for two weeks, but not looking for my favorite tunes is something that will save me time the rest of my career. BAM!

Jason da I.T. Mastermind: 2 bazillion
Steve aka BossyMcMicromanagerface: -4

You know what, I'm sure most of my fans are CEOs and CIOs and important business people to get all the awesome tips that I dish out like the smack downs I dish out as well. So I'm going to give some tips on how to REALLY manage... Deatherage style.

1. Stop Freaking micromanaging me-Don't spend your time micromanaging me. It makes no freaking sense. If I didn't do something when I was in a good mood scootering around and eating a donut, do you think I'm going to do it now that you've jumped all over my freaking back and totally pissed me off? Short answer-No. Long answer-No freaking way, all I'm going to do is assign the job to you in close support and then put all my old used q-tips in all your folders in your office. Yeah, that IS why I keep all my old q-tips in a coffee cup on my desk.

2. Stop drawing pictures of me- They don't even look like me. You guys a freaking idiots.

3. Instead of having meetings like every freaking morning about what you want me to do today, talk to me at the end of the day and ask me about what I did, and take me out to dinner for it, it's the least you could do. Take notes on all the amazing stuff I did (you're going to need like 5 notebooks) and then show my coworkers the next day about what a freaking ninja I am.

4. No My Script Isn't Broken- It is so unlikely that any of my freaking scripts have problems that it's not worth my important time to ask me about. If something is wrong with some computer running my script, just get rid of the freaking computer because it's obviously a piece of crap anyway.

5. Stop buying so many freaking computers- Why do you think we have so many tech problems? Because we have like a bajillion computers. It's ridiculous dude. Do I work at the college of Nursing or like freaking NASA or something? Last time I checked there weren't a bunch of space suits here so I guess that means I work at the college of Nursing. Trade the computers for some thermometers and stuff. Man, space suits are so cool.

6. Get me a space suit- That would freaking rock. I would be like the first I.T. Ninja Spaceman. I could freaking lay the smack down on like aliens with futuristic technology and show them what a mastermind I am.

Holy crap I would be so freaking awesome in a spacesuit!

So yeah, basically if you want to grow a tree of I.T. genius you need to water it with encouragement, place it in the sunlight of teamwork, and feed it the nutirenets of stop bugging the crap out of me.

Letter to Steve Jobs

So I just got done sending Steve Jobs my weekly email telling him ways he could improve that little operation he’s got going over there in apple land. I thought I would post it here online for all my fans to see that even though Steve Jobs is a billionaire and head of one of the largest comanies in the country, I still put the smack down on him. I’m an equal opportunity smack downer.

Yo Yo What Up Stevy Jeeby,

This is Jason, the IT Ninja from ASU that gives you his awesome weekly advice. Remember the one letter I sent you saying you should keep making more iPods and then like three months later you came out with the iPod Nano and made a bunch of cash money? YOU’RE WELCOME. So Steve, here’s the 411 on a product line that is near and dear to my heart, the mac mini. I love the mac mini and I think it’s time we took it into the 21st century…Deatherage style. So here’s some tips:

1. Change the Name
Mac Mini, that just focuses on the size and macness of the computer and makes it sound lame. Call it something that makes people think of cool stuff and small stuff like RoboMidget, or MiniMactastic , or even R2-D2. Any of those names would show people who’s the boss when it comes to tiny computers that are still amazing.

Two. Blu-Ray
Hey Steve, 1999 called and it wants its DVD player back, and that Will Smith song Willennium. Mac Minis (which I will now refer to as RoboMidgets) are the symbol of advanced technology and they should show it with more blu-ray than the competition, not with no blu-ray like you’re currently doing. It should have a blu-ray slot on every side and on the top so you can play your DVDs from every angle. Plus when you’re done it should shoot it out of one of the slots at random so people can have fun chasing it. I wouldn’t even watch the movie, I’d spend the whole time excited getting ready for the disc to shoot out.

C. Vista
You create the best computer in history and you don’t use the best Operating System in history? Are you high or just on drugs? Vista training has opened my eyes to what an operating system should be. With Vista you can do almost everything you could with XP plus it gives you like four new wallpapers. So get rid of the widgets and get on with the gadgets because Vista is where it’s at

9. Graphics
Plain white is boring, you need cool stuff on it like flames, and the words Jason is an IT Ninja on the side, and some cool skull guy and on the side you should have a ninja sword that comes out whenever a badguy tries to steal my awesome computer. But don’t have it come out when I pick it up because if it stabbed me I would go freakin’ crazy and destroy it by my ninja reflexes.

Finally, Grooves
The bottom of a RoboMidget should be grooved to fit onto a razor scooter. Let’s face it; about 99% of the population owns one of these revolutionary modes of transpiration. Razor scooters are the cutting edge of scooting and your computer is the cutting edge of computering so put them together. If I want to move this thing I shouldn’t have to figure out some way of rolling it on the floor like I do now, I should be able to put it on my handle bars and scoot it with ease.

So follow my steps to success and you can get your company back on track, scooter track that is and watch the money come in. I’m adding a detailed blue print I made with a Cad program. Hopefully your engineers are smart enough to put it together. They can give me a call if they get confused, I only charge $900 DOLLARS AN HOUR!

I'm Cool,

-Jason

Laying Down the Law, Jason's Law

So basically I'm like kicking butt and taking names at work. Our server space is getting full FAST like me when I buy the all you can eat burrito deal at Senior Pancho's Loco Burrito Buffett. If the server gets full basically the college would burn down to the ground and nobody knows what to do. My boss Steve is just freaking out basically in the corner shaking. I slap him around and freakin’ try to make him get himself together but it’s no use. So I realize that I have to take charge of the situation and straighten everything out, Deatherage style. I start racking my brainz on how to figure out where all the space is going. I’m like clicking freakin’ everything I can see when all of a sudden the window sorts… BY FILE SIZE. I guess I created some kind of scripting code with my combination of typing and clicking and I didn’t even realize it! So yeah I look over the evil-doers’ names and start letting my fingers do the dialing and my foot do the butt kicking.
I call up people and I’m all like, “Hey this is Jason, the IT Ninja, and guess what, you’re busted.”
And they’re all like, “What’s going on? Now I’m really scared.”
And I’m all like, “Well, let’s see. I think you have music in your My Music folder and I think you have pictures in your My Pictures folder. I think these things because YOU DO, AND I’M A GENIUS”.
And they’re all like, “Yeah so what? Can’t I just do whatever the crap I want?”
And then I’m all like, “Sure you can, if you want to ruin the college and make me go crazy on you!”
So needless to say people are bawling and vomiting and begging for me not to do anything to them.
So then I say, “Well you better freakin’ get that crap the freak off of there because I’m going to lose my cool here in a sec.”
So they all do, and I save the college literally like 20GB of space. Let’s see, I guess that puts the score to:
Jason da Ninja-5 bajillion
Everything going to crap – 0
So yeah, I guess I’m a little tired from all that. I think I’m going to open up our safe and get my lunch out and go listen to some music. I’ve got every Shania Twain song ever recorder on my computer and I’m busting out the jams. So basically, if anyone has a problem in the next three to seven hours, call Superman because this hero is busy. Man, I really want a burrito now.

The Prodigal Deatherage Returns

What's up all my Deatherage fans, or Deatheragians, as they like to be called. It is I, your fearless leader, Fake Jason Deatherage here to give you all the low down on the smack down that I hand out at ASU everyday. I hand them out like the lady hands out the free samples of little Vienna Sausages and Trail Mix at the Costco.
This is my first blog post so I guess I should give you all an idea about what this blog will do, besides CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Basically I am the IT Guru and Mastermind for ASU's CoNHI. People were always coming up to me saying stuff like, "Hey Jason, you're such an IT Guru and Mastermind, you should write your stuff on the WWW (which means Websites on the Worldwide Web for those of you not in the know) so we can all see how awesome you are." Well, those people were right so I decided to give them all a thrill and throw out one of these blogs everyone has been talking about. This will basically go over what I've been up to, what I've been developing, and how much smack down I have to throw down on my boss Steve. So grab a seat and prepare to be bedazzled, Deatherage style.
So today I've been busy. It's a Monday which usually means I have to show off my scooter tricks. So I'm scootering around when I take a quick time out to grab a donut. Then I decide wait a second, why am I slacking on the job?!! So I scoot around in a circle, grab a donut, and scoot while I'm eating a donut. I think this is really a symbol for life; we look for all these giant ways to save time and streamline our operations but sometimes what we need to do is look at the little details because they add up, like a bunch of numbers in that calculator watch I want to buy.