Christmas Classics

Well it's almost Christmas time and I'm feeling in the Christmas spirit. That's why I've decided to grace all of my fans with a classic Christmas poem that has been modified to be even more classic, by changing it to be about me.

‘Twas the Day Before My Vacation
-by Jason Deatherage


‘Twas the day before my vacation, and all through CoNHI
Never had they seen, such an I.T. mastermind.

I had fixed freaking everything, with 5 o’clock drawing near
Just 30 more minutes, till I got the crap out of here.

Tom was on his laptop, hoping that it could run Pong;
While the I.T. Ninja was rocking out, to Brittney Spears songs.

Sabrina was all creeped out, by Andy’s webcam
And Eric was thinking ‘bout how awesome I am.

When all of a sudden, my Jason senses were a tingled.
I sprung into action, once I finished eating my Pringles.

Away to the server room, with some ninja back-flips,
Time to be all amazing, like a solar eclipse.

The servers where crashing, and the internet down;
Power was failing, all over downtown.

Using my I.T. skillz; I was the only one able
to see the problem was coming, from all the unplugged cables.

Who could have done this, commit this horrible deed?
I knew in a moment it must have been Steve!

Like a winged badger, I tore through the air;
My muscles tearing through the stylish clothes that I wear.

"Now, Steve!” I shouted, “There’s nothing you can do.
Just come on out! I’m going to go freaking crazy on you!”

I ran to his office, but of course he wasn’t there.
I knew he’d be crying, and running off scared.

Now where does he spend more time than at work?
I picked up my scooter, and I raced off to Turf.

I broke down the door, with one powerful kick.
It looked freaking awesome, you should have seen it.

I scanned the bar, with my big bearded smile.
It was time for some justice, Jason Deatherage style!

The whole place was empty, not a person around.
That’s when I noticed a small note on the ground.

The note was from Steve, challenging my power
with a fight to the death, on top the Eiffel Tower.

But my super powerful nose told me he wasn’t in France.
I could smell someone so frightened; he had pooped his own pants.

Under a table I found him, a beer in each of his hands
Nervously he laughed, telling me his evil Steve plans.

“You may have found me” Steve said, “but I’m afraid you’re too late.
If you fight me, the servers will crash to a terrible fate.”

I laughed at Steve and his horrible plan,
Then I showed him the flash drive in the palm of my hand.

I threw the flash drive into the air with a whistle,
Aimed with perfect precision like a patriot missile.

It sailed through the window of NHI2
And into the USB slot like I planned it to do.

I told Steve I had filled the flash drive with amazing scripts just because,
I knew he would try to sabotage things like he always freaking does!

Steve laid on the ground crying, I had ruined his plans,
And all the streets filled up with my best hardcore fans.

They brought out a statue as my scripts were working away,
They all celebrated how I saved the freaking day.

Then I looked at my watch, it was one minute till five.
I gave Steve a demotion; then I picked up my sweet ride.

As I scooted away, all my fans started to clap,
and I said, "I’m going on vacation, don’t let the place go to crap."

Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes

Now that I’m back, I’ve decided I need a whole new look. I’ve always had a classic sense of style but I’ve decided to punch it up with something a little more trendy. There’s a TON of different trends right now and most people should think long and hard about what trend they want to wear. For someone like me though, who is a trendsetter and a mastermind, the only way to follow a trend is to do them all, Deatherage style. That’s why I plan on taking the most awesome part of every trend and making it into my own unique look.


First up, 80s Stuff:
The 80s are back, and you can see pretty much everyone wearing neon colors, and big square sunglasses, but they forgot the coolest part; Parachute Pants. Holy crap these things are freaking awesome! Why did these things ever go out of style? Parachute Pants let you look classy but also like you’re ready to bust a move at any moment, which I'm always ready to do. Plus, if you fall off a building you can glide down to safety like a sugar glider which ALSO FREAKING ROCK!

I will be busting 67% of all my moves midair.

Fur Boots:
Apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur the whole club was looking at her. Yeah everybody will be looking at me with my fur boots too. Fur boots have the strength and door-kicking-in ability of a ninja boot but they’re covered in fur to look even cooler. Be careful though because a lot of fur boots are apparently being made for women now. To make sure nobody mistakes me for a woman again, I'm getting fur boots that are more masculine, like a beard on steroids, and nothing is more masculine than a furry bear foot.

I don't even get it. Why are bears mad all the time if their feet are this comfy?

Shades:
There’s two main trends in shades now. Aviator sun glasses and those sun glasses that are so big they look like goggles. Obviously I can rock both these styles, but not at the same time because I kept falling down and Rachel said she’s not going drive me to the hospital anymore so I said “hey what’s like combining aviator glasses with the big goggle glasses that isn’t actually wearing two pairs of sunglasses?”
BAM! Aviator Goggles. Are these cool? I don’t know why don’t you ask THE FREAKING RED BARON!

Question: Will I also buy the scarf? Answer: Ummmm YES!

Animal Purses:
Lots of the elite are carrying around purses with little dogs in them. It basically says, “I’m so sophisticated that even with a dog taking a crap under my armpit, I still look like Albert Rockafeller."
Well I don't even know who Albert Rockafeller is, but I am sophisticated. That's why this style has Jason written all over it. I don’t want a little dog though; I need something that will strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, that’s why I’m going to get a sugar glider. I don’t need a purse either, there’s going to be plenty of room in my new Parachute Pants so I'm going to sew in a little hammock for him to sleep in and then the next time Steve tries to get on my freaking case I can unzip my fly and yell “Sugar Glider, Attack!” The best part is, my pants are so awesome that Steve won’t even notice I have a giant sugar glider in there.

Sugar Glider, Away!

With this fashion arsenal, I will be putting the smack down on both technology problems and the frumpies alike. Now I have to think of something to do with my old clothes. I will probably donate them to the Computer History Museum or something. Or I can give them to my neighbors that sit by my window in their speedos. Those guys really like my style, they're always having me take off whatever shirt I'm wearing so they can check out the material and stuff. I think they deserve my old stuff the most, I don't think they even own shirts. I've lived here for 3 years and I've never seen either of them wear one. No wonder they ask me for friend hugs all the time, they're probably freezing.

The Boys are Back in Town

Whasss up? You guys probably thought I forgot about you. You probably said to yourself, “Holy crap, Jason forgot all about me and now my life is pointless and I'll have to spend my nights sleeplessly wondering what stuff he's masterminding now.” Well guess what, I did forget about you guys, except that I DIDN’T! Are you freaking kidding me, do you think the I.T. Ninja would forget about his hardcore fans? A Ninja never forgets. Elephants never forget either, but Ninjas have throwing stars that could freaking cut an elephant in half so yeah, I think we know how that story would end…with me doing a freaking back flip off an elephant corpse and kicking Steve in the head. Take that Steve!

So yeah, I didn’t go anywhere, I’ve just been in hiding. I had to meditate, and refine my Ninja skillz, and order all of season 2 of Desperate Housewives on Netflix (I also took the DH quiz and I am sooo a Gabrielle). See, I had to show you guys that I couldn’t always be around to freaking take care of all your problems in life.

Like when the printers weren’t mapping right and my wannabe, Eric, emails me and is like “Hey Jason, can I get you to tell me why these printers aren’t mapping automatically? I can’t do anything myself so why don’t you tell me what happened, and how to fix it, and then fix it for me, and then make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and cut off the crusts, and feed it to me, and then tuck me in with my blankie”
Yeah, I’ll make you a sandwich alright, a smack down sandwich, with a headbutt for dessert. I’m really sorry I can’t do your job for you but I’ve been busy giving freaking speeches to UTO and NASA and like anyone who works in IT, to teach everybody how much of a mastermind I was with coding. Then I had to go to dinner with President Crow so he could thank me for designing the Internet, and then I had to work on my Netflix app so I think October was a little bit too full for me to show you how to be my freaking apprentice.
Hey Eric, you want to be my apprentice? Okay, time for a business meeting: You’re fired, meeting adjourned.
Let's get something straight, you’re not my twin and if you were my twin, I would be too busy running away from the swarms of women that would follow us to do your job for you anyways.

So yeah, basically I’ve returned again like a majestic Phoenix out of the ashes that is all the crap that Steve broke, to save the freaking day and give the rest of my fans a reason to live again. How do I plan on finishing out the year? Hmmm, good question. I guess the way I started it, by being a technology genius, by revolutionizing everything at the college, and by putting each piece of Steve’s gum between my rosy cheeks while he isn’t around. Bon Appétit Steve.

SpyHard

Let me tell you all a little story: One day I was walking along when I saw this sandwich on the ground and I was like “holy crap what’s a sandwich doing here? This seems too good to be true.” Long story short, it was too good to be true and that’s when I learned two life lessons:

1. If you get sick enough, the human body can start to vomit up its own organs.
2. Always trust your instincts.

They’re two rules I live by and that’s why today was such a big deal. You see, my instincts came into contact with my arch nemesis, which I’m going to refer to as “Meve Startin” so nobody will know I’m really talking about my boss. So yeah today I was working on like a million things and basically saving the whole college as usual when Meve comes in and is all like, “Hey Jason, why can’t I log into the server?”
Now I will be honest with you guys since you’re all like my closest hardcore fans. Right then my Jason senses started tingling but I was also eating a can of chili so my body was tingling for other reasons so I wasn’t 100% sure yet if Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does. I had to investigate it further.
So I say, “Ummm geee Steve maybe the server is down I guess we should look into that. Wait.. or maybe it’s because I CHANGED ALL THE PASSWORDS TO EVERYTHING AND I’M SO SNEAKY WITH MY I.T. NINJA SKILLS YOU DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT”
So then Meve has his mind blown (which I’m not surprised by) but then he says to me, “Well what are the new server passwords?”
It was then I put all the pieces together and realized that Steve was out to try and sabotage everything like he always freaking does! But I’m a good cards player and like a hot hand of Reverses in Uno I had to play this close to my chest.
So I leaned back in my chair with my hands behind my head and casually said, “Why do want access to all this stuff Steve? Are you a spy who’s going to try and sabotage everything like you always freaking do?”
Checkmate. I totally had Steve in a corner and he didn’t know what to do. He always has that look on his face when I totally get him in a corner and put my shoe on his upper hand. So he’s like basically looking at me with the thought of hey Jason totally just put the smack down on me again I better try to come up with something to say or he’s going to like freaking rage on me and make me cry like a big freaking girl which is what I am because I’m a jerk and don’t think Jason’s ideas are good even though they freaking work and make everybody’s lives easier and all the smart people like the ideas. He totally had that face on right then.
So he starts up with some lame stories to make me feel sorry for him, “Because I’m the server admin, Jason.”
He was basically in tears, actually I think he was in tears and I think he pooped his diaper and stuff. That sounds like Steve to me.
Anyway so I said I would email them to him but that was just to buy me time. Once he figures out all I sent him was an .mp3 of Shania Twain’s “Man, I feel like a Woman” I’m sure he’s going to come back, that’s why I’m getting the crap out of here. If you guys need me I’m going to be in the computer lab putting locks on all the power cords so Steve doesn’t try to use them to spy on me.

I Wanna be a Cowboy

I think that the stylings of the old west are underrated. That’s why I decided that I am single handedly going to bring them back. Cowboy clothes are for manly men and nobody is more manly than the I.T. Ninja. So I think I’ve got my perfect Macho Man Cowboy outfit picked out:

Cowboy Hat

Every tough hombre needs a freaking cool cowboy hat. This hat says I’m a tough cowboy and I also enjoy fine silk and velvet so I’m a Renaissance Man.

Cowboy Vest

Cowboy shirts are cool, especially the ones with the bolo ties on them. But when you’re as manly as me, a shirt doesn’t even work. It’s like I’m too freaking tough and it would basically burn off from my hot muscles glistening in the sun. A vest shows off my powerhouse physique and keeps me warm in the winter time.

Cowboy Pants Most cowboys you see in movies wear jeans. Those are fine for the 99% of cowboys out there, but I’m in the top 10% that have to wear leather. Let’s face it, most men shouldn’t wear leather pants, you have to be really tough like me. And matching shiny boots; the shinier the better. You want your pants and boots to radiate your manliness as you walk in the door of the nightclub or clarinet jam. I'm not sure if the picture of them is for men or a women, but I need the men's pair.

Well there you go, this is the outfit for a true hardcore MAN and any other man out there who likes the look of hardcore men would love this outfit too. I think I'm going to get this stuff and go out to some bars to see if I can find any other macho men to hang out with. If you ask guys if they want to go do cowboy stuff and they say yes, you pretty much know you found some awesome new friends who are just as tough as you are.

I'm the Freaking Boss

Oh my gosh I should write a freaking book on how to be a boss. I know way more about the art of bossing than my boss Steve ever will. He's been micromanaging me all freaking day and I'm about to go crazy on him. I'm just like scooting around the work room minding my own beezwax when Steve comes in and is all like, "Hey Jason, did you take care of this ticket already?" and I'm freaking like "Hey Steve, did you take care of trying to micromanage me already? Oh wait, YES YOU DID!"

I don't know what the crap his freaking problem is. If he took all the time he spent asking me if I took care of tickets, he could have taken care of them himself; which would be actually helpful because I haven't taken care of any of them yet.

That's his problem, he's always asking about the stuff I don't do but he never pays attention to what I've already done. Hey Steve, here's a newsflash: there's always going to be stuff I don't do; you don't need to freaking look for it and talk to me about freaking doing it. Maybe you should try managing instead of looking for stuff I need to improve on!
For example today, I finished rearranging all the music on my server into folders by songs that are awesome, songs that I want to dance to, and songs that freaking rock, so now I won't spend all this time looking for my favorite songs so guess what, I have more time to be an I.T. Mastermind and FIX EVERYTHING!!! All Steve talks about is that I haven't worked on a ticket for two weeks, but not looking for my favorite tunes is something that will save me time the rest of my career. BAM!

Jason da I.T. Mastermind: 2 bazillion
Steve aka BossyMcMicromanagerface: -4

You know what, I'm sure most of my fans are CEOs and CIOs and important business people to get all the awesome tips that I dish out like the smack downs I dish out as well. So I'm going to give some tips on how to REALLY manage... Deatherage style.

1. Stop Freaking micromanaging me-Don't spend your time micromanaging me. It makes no freaking sense. If I didn't do something when I was in a good mood scootering around and eating a donut, do you think I'm going to do it now that you've jumped all over my freaking back and totally pissed me off? Short answer-No. Long answer-No freaking way, all I'm going to do is assign the job to you in close support and then put all my old used q-tips in all your folders in your office. Yeah, that IS why I keep all my old q-tips in a coffee cup on my desk.

2. Stop drawing pictures of me- They don't even look like me. You guys a freaking idiots.

3. Instead of having meetings like every freaking morning about what you want me to do today, talk to me at the end of the day and ask me about what I did, and take me out to dinner for it, it's the least you could do. Take notes on all the amazing stuff I did (you're going to need like 5 notebooks) and then show my coworkers the next day about what a freaking ninja I am.

4. No My Script Isn't Broken- It is so unlikely that any of my freaking scripts have problems that it's not worth my important time to ask me about. If something is wrong with some computer running my script, just get rid of the freaking computer because it's obviously a piece of crap anyway.

5. Stop buying so many freaking computers- Why do you think we have so many tech problems? Because we have like a bajillion computers. It's ridiculous dude. Do I work at the college of Nursing or like freaking NASA or something? Last time I checked there weren't a bunch of space suits here so I guess that means I work at the college of Nursing. Trade the computers for some thermometers and stuff. Man, space suits are so cool.

6. Get me a space suit- That would freaking rock. I would be like the first I.T. Ninja Spaceman. I could freaking lay the smack down on like aliens with futuristic technology and show them what a mastermind I am.

Holy crap I would be so freaking awesome in a spacesuit!

So yeah, basically if you want to grow a tree of I.T. genius you need to water it with encouragement, place it in the sunlight of teamwork, and feed it the nutirenets of stop bugging the crap out of me.

Letter to Steve Jobs

So I just got done sending Steve Jobs my weekly email telling him ways he could improve that little operation he’s got going over there in apple land. I thought I would post it here online for all my fans to see that even though Steve Jobs is a billionaire and head of one of the largest comanies in the country, I still put the smack down on him. I’m an equal opportunity smack downer.

Yo Yo What Up Stevy Jeeby,

This is Jason, the IT Ninja from ASU that gives you his awesome weekly advice. Remember the one letter I sent you saying you should keep making more iPods and then like three months later you came out with the iPod Nano and made a bunch of cash money? YOU’RE WELCOME. So Steve, here’s the 411 on a product line that is near and dear to my heart, the mac mini. I love the mac mini and I think it’s time we took it into the 21st century…Deatherage style. So here’s some tips:

1. Change the Name
Mac Mini, that just focuses on the size and macness of the computer and makes it sound lame. Call it something that makes people think of cool stuff and small stuff like RoboMidget, or MiniMactastic , or even R2-D2. Any of those names would show people who’s the boss when it comes to tiny computers that are still amazing.

Two. Blu-Ray
Hey Steve, 1999 called and it wants its DVD player back, and that Will Smith song Willennium. Mac Minis (which I will now refer to as RoboMidgets) are the symbol of advanced technology and they should show it with more blu-ray than the competition, not with no blu-ray like you’re currently doing. It should have a blu-ray slot on every side and on the top so you can play your DVDs from every angle. Plus when you’re done it should shoot it out of one of the slots at random so people can have fun chasing it. I wouldn’t even watch the movie, I’d spend the whole time excited getting ready for the disc to shoot out.

C. Vista
You create the best computer in history and you don’t use the best Operating System in history? Are you high or just on drugs? Vista training has opened my eyes to what an operating system should be. With Vista you can do almost everything you could with XP plus it gives you like four new wallpapers. So get rid of the widgets and get on with the gadgets because Vista is where it’s at

9. Graphics
Plain white is boring, you need cool stuff on it like flames, and the words Jason is an IT Ninja on the side, and some cool skull guy and on the side you should have a ninja sword that comes out whenever a badguy tries to steal my awesome computer. But don’t have it come out when I pick it up because if it stabbed me I would go freakin’ crazy and destroy it by my ninja reflexes.

Finally, Grooves
The bottom of a RoboMidget should be grooved to fit onto a razor scooter. Let’s face it; about 99% of the population owns one of these revolutionary modes of transpiration. Razor scooters are the cutting edge of scooting and your computer is the cutting edge of computering so put them together. If I want to move this thing I shouldn’t have to figure out some way of rolling it on the floor like I do now, I should be able to put it on my handle bars and scoot it with ease.

So follow my steps to success and you can get your company back on track, scooter track that is and watch the money come in. I’m adding a detailed blue print I made with a Cad program. Hopefully your engineers are smart enough to put it together. They can give me a call if they get confused, I only charge $900 DOLLARS AN HOUR!

I'm Cool,

-Jason