Papa Needs a New Pair of Shoes

Now that I’m back, I’ve decided I need a whole new look. I’ve always had a classic sense of style but I’ve decided to punch it up with something a little more trendy. There’s a TON of different trends right now and most people should think long and hard about what trend they want to wear. For someone like me though, who is a trendsetter and a mastermind, the only way to follow a trend is to do them all, Deatherage style. That’s why I plan on taking the most awesome part of every trend and making it into my own unique look.


First up, 80s Stuff:
The 80s are back, and you can see pretty much everyone wearing neon colors, and big square sunglasses, but they forgot the coolest part; Parachute Pants. Holy crap these things are freaking awesome! Why did these things ever go out of style? Parachute Pants let you look classy but also like you’re ready to bust a move at any moment, which I'm always ready to do. Plus, if you fall off a building you can glide down to safety like a sugar glider which ALSO FREAKING ROCK!

I will be busting 67% of all my moves midair.

Fur Boots:
Apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur the whole club was looking at her. Yeah everybody will be looking at me with my fur boots too. Fur boots have the strength and door-kicking-in ability of a ninja boot but they’re covered in fur to look even cooler. Be careful though because a lot of fur boots are apparently being made for women now. To make sure nobody mistakes me for a woman again, I'm getting fur boots that are more masculine, like a beard on steroids, and nothing is more masculine than a furry bear foot.

I don't even get it. Why are bears mad all the time if their feet are this comfy?

Shades:
There’s two main trends in shades now. Aviator sun glasses and those sun glasses that are so big they look like goggles. Obviously I can rock both these styles, but not at the same time because I kept falling down and Rachel said she’s not going drive me to the hospital anymore so I said “hey what’s like combining aviator glasses with the big goggle glasses that isn’t actually wearing two pairs of sunglasses?”
BAM! Aviator Goggles. Are these cool? I don’t know why don’t you ask THE FREAKING RED BARON!

Question: Will I also buy the scarf? Answer: Ummmm YES!

Animal Purses:
Lots of the elite are carrying around purses with little dogs in them. It basically says, “I’m so sophisticated that even with a dog taking a crap under my armpit, I still look like Albert Rockafeller."
Well I don't even know who Albert Rockafeller is, but I am sophisticated. That's why this style has Jason written all over it. I don’t want a little dog though; I need something that will strike fear into the hearts of my enemies, that’s why I’m going to get a sugar glider. I don’t need a purse either, there’s going to be plenty of room in my new Parachute Pants so I'm going to sew in a little hammock for him to sleep in and then the next time Steve tries to get on my freaking case I can unzip my fly and yell “Sugar Glider, Attack!” The best part is, my pants are so awesome that Steve won’t even notice I have a giant sugar glider in there.

Sugar Glider, Away!

With this fashion arsenal, I will be putting the smack down on both technology problems and the frumpies alike. Now I have to think of something to do with my old clothes. I will probably donate them to the Computer History Museum or something. Or I can give them to my neighbors that sit by my window in their speedos. Those guys really like my style, they're always having me take off whatever shirt I'm wearing so they can check out the material and stuff. I think they deserve my old stuff the most, I don't think they even own shirts. I've lived here for 3 years and I've never seen either of them wear one. No wonder they ask me for friend hugs all the time, they're probably freezing.

The Boys are Back in Town

Whasss up? You guys probably thought I forgot about you. You probably said to yourself, “Holy crap, Jason forgot all about me and now my life is pointless and I'll have to spend my nights sleeplessly wondering what stuff he's masterminding now.” Well guess what, I did forget about you guys, except that I DIDN’T! Are you freaking kidding me, do you think the I.T. Ninja would forget about his hardcore fans? A Ninja never forgets. Elephants never forget either, but Ninjas have throwing stars that could freaking cut an elephant in half so yeah, I think we know how that story would end…with me doing a freaking back flip off an elephant corpse and kicking Steve in the head. Take that Steve!

So yeah, I didn’t go anywhere, I’ve just been in hiding. I had to meditate, and refine my Ninja skillz, and order all of season 2 of Desperate Housewives on Netflix (I also took the DH quiz and I am sooo a Gabrielle). See, I had to show you guys that I couldn’t always be around to freaking take care of all your problems in life.

Like when the printers weren’t mapping right and my wannabe, Eric, emails me and is like “Hey Jason, can I get you to tell me why these printers aren’t mapping automatically? I can’t do anything myself so why don’t you tell me what happened, and how to fix it, and then fix it for me, and then make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, and cut off the crusts, and feed it to me, and then tuck me in with my blankie”
Yeah, I’ll make you a sandwich alright, a smack down sandwich, with a headbutt for dessert. I’m really sorry I can’t do your job for you but I’ve been busy giving freaking speeches to UTO and NASA and like anyone who works in IT, to teach everybody how much of a mastermind I was with coding. Then I had to go to dinner with President Crow so he could thank me for designing the Internet, and then I had to work on my Netflix app so I think October was a little bit too full for me to show you how to be my freaking apprentice.
Hey Eric, you want to be my apprentice? Okay, time for a business meeting: You’re fired, meeting adjourned.
Let's get something straight, you’re not my twin and if you were my twin, I would be too busy running away from the swarms of women that would follow us to do your job for you anyways.

So yeah, basically I’ve returned again like a majestic Phoenix out of the ashes that is all the crap that Steve broke, to save the freaking day and give the rest of my fans a reason to live again. How do I plan on finishing out the year? Hmmm, good question. I guess the way I started it, by being a technology genius, by revolutionizing everything at the college, and by putting each piece of Steve’s gum between my rosy cheeks while he isn’t around. Bon Appétit Steve.